4 Tips for Parenting Aging Parents.
Steps to take now so you won’t panic later.
I’m writing this because this was a challenging time. I’m hoping I can share enough to get someone else started on the right footing. My comments should not be considered or taken as legal or financial advice.
There are very few things in life worse than having to confront your aging parents about their future. Perhaps a spouse passes away, or close family and relatives are too far away to assist with daily needs or respond in an emergency. Maybe it’s no longer possible for them to live independently.
Many parents are proud and very private people. Some are children of the depression era generation where finances and health concerns were never openly discussed.
In my case their lack of inaction resulted in myself and my siblings having to scramble when my mother couldn’t care for herself any longer. We begged her to get all of her documentation together so we could step in when the time was right. Those discussion were always met by a gentle silence or loving but dismissive glance. It was harder for us when we discovered she was barely meeting her daily needs while trying to live through the lens of Alzheimer’s.
Here are some important steps you can take now to avoid the misery of needing to piece together important parts of your loved ones lives when they can’t.
Have the “conversation” now
The hardest part of this entire exercise is finding a quiet, and in our case lucid moment to share concerns with loved ones. If there is a person who might rely on your support in any way and expects you to advocate on their behalf then you need to be as passionate in speaking with them about this subject as you would be speaking to an ICU nurse or investment advisor after it’s too late.
Put your emotions aside and explain your concerns in a logical, but simple and easy to understand manner. Remember, this conversation isn’t about anything other than the well being of the person you would care for. Let them know you’re concerned about how their best interests should be handled if they can’t speak for themselves.
All Those Documents
Speak with your loved one about creating and collating any and all documentation. Specifically those that have their wishes documented in some manner. Do they have financial assets they need to protect? Are there specific items they would like to gift to others? Are there organizations they would like to see benefit from their estate?
If they don’t have a specific strategy ask some of your close friends how their parents handled estate planning. Ask if they could recommend an estate attorney or planner who is educated and perhaps licensed in the care and support of older individuals. A personal reference from a friend or co-worker goes a long way and helps you avoid trying to understand all the ambiguous ratings and rankings you’ll find while scouring the internet.
Create a physical folder for all the documents separated by context; legal, healthcare, investments, banking, everything should have a spot. Purchase a Moleskin or a notebook, or even use spreadsheet application to keep notes in and take notes, of EVERYTHING, until you’re sick of taking notes.Write it all down, times, dates, names, numbers, topics of conversations, even when you’re transferred to another department, make a note of that as well. I found it helpful to write the date and time at the top of the page so I could quickly locate a specific section.
Most importantly write down the length of time you spent on these tasks. Some states allow you to maintain a personal care contract or agreement which may allow you to reimburse yourself from the estate. For example, there were many days I needed to be in court for legal reasons, or on the phone with the Social Security Administration or Medicare. Creating a spreadsheet with properly labeled tabs of the task/subject helped. Keep track of the total time, mileage, everything and anything related to your assistance as you may have the ability to recover those funds from the estate. Confirm this with an attorney in your state for specifics.
Health Paperwork and Directives
Does the person you’re advocating for have a health care directive? A living will? A ‘do not resuscitate’ (DNR) or ‘do not incubate’ (DNI) directive completed? Are they currently or have they invested in long term care insurance? Do they have interim 90 day care insurance to help them transition from independent living to assisted or a nursing home? Are these policies currently paid up and in effect or have they lapsed? Do you know the company names or policy numbers? Sometimes lapsed policies have a grace period where they can be reinstated without a penalty.
Speak frankly about how you might carry out their last wishes should something happen. Would they like to buried or cremated? Have they prepaid for those services, and who should you contact? Would they like their organs to be donated if possible? In the case of health documentation, copies of some, if not all of it should be kept on file at the hospital immediately available to care givers to reference in case it’s needed.
Insurance and Finances
There is nothing worse than having to dig through the finances of your ailing parents like an amateur forensic accountant trying to recreate any aspect of their life. In my mind it’s the equivalent to digging through your parents dresser drawers looking for those embarrassing items they stashed away because they didn’t want to display them on the dresser.
Will you need access to financial accounts? If you’re not already listed on the account you’ll need to go through the process of submitting Power of Attorney documents for those organizations to review and approval. It could take between a few business days to get the approval and a few more for you to gain access if approved.
Make sure all relevant documents, statements, end of year reviews, tax returns, everything that would be helpful is set aside. Especially anything with an account number and contact information. Having that could save you hours.
The Hardest Step is the First One
The most important aspect is starting the conversation. Your parents are probably not thrilled about the finality of the discussion. As a child or close relative who will be a caretaker you hopefully have a level of relationship where you can open that door. The importance of having as much of this information as possible, compiled and in a convenient and known location will ease the task when the times comes and will also provide your aging parent or loved one the piece of mind understand there will be no unknowns in ensuring their continued care, safety, and ongoing well being into their golden years.
If this is something you’re going through I highly encourage you to seek professional legal and financial advice for the situation(s) and state of residence your loved one is located in. The small investment of professional and legal advice could save you hours of time and frustration.
